


And now I see you

by AssumeEveryoneWithASwordIsQueer



Series: Just wild knights defying the world [4]
Category: Arthurian Mythology
Genre: Ableism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blindness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:55:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27978447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AssumeEveryoneWithASwordIsQueer/pseuds/AssumeEveryoneWithASwordIsQueer
Summary: There comes a time when you try too hard
Series: Just wild knights defying the world [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2009782
Kudos: 2





	1. Out of the darkness

**Author's Note:**

> I don´t know how accurate this is, nor do I care. Sorry for attacking the funnyman. Commentary is appreciated.  
>  I´m dyslexic and have no autocorrect, leave me alone.

If Dinadan ever walked into a wall or fell down the stairs, it wasn´t because he couldn´t see. If he ever walked into a person or fell down the stairs, it wasn´t because he couldn´t see. If he missed a chord or had shit spelling, it had nothing to do with his eyes, and if he described things more jokingly than one should and never read aloud, it had nothing to do with his sight. No one knew the truth. Dinadan had the personality of a jester anyway, he just applied the fact to the particular issue at hand to avoid suspicion. He was a knight, of course he knew the kingdom, specifically some of the castle, like the back of his hand. He hated books, of course he never read. He swung a sword for a living, of course his handwriting was bad. He didn´t see anything wrong with it but that was just the thing. Dinadan couldn´t see anything at all. Not a lick of light. He didn´t know it was day or night unless someone told him. He could only tell he was at a staircase if he clicked his tounge, hell, he´d avoided them like the plauge unless Yvain´s lion or one of the dogs was there, though sometimes Lancelot helped him up and down the stairs, but Lancelot was oblivious. His mother was the only person who knew he could not, never had and never would be able to see, and had taught him to walk normal and write semi-legibly and focus his unseeing eyes. So sue him for wandering the upper floors of the castle, he didn´t know it all yet, and he knew he needed to learn. He dragged his bare feet over the floor and ran his hand along the wall, trying to learn as much as he possibly could. Dinadan was sure he knew most of the castle, even areas he wasn´t often in such as the floor he was currently falling, but evidently not, because he did something he was always so careful not to do. Fell. The stones of the floor were uneven and sharp, so Dinadan was not fully at fault. Those now quite literally bloody stones had other ideas in mind as he went sprawling with a sharp cry. Long scrapes made themselves known on his legs and his knees split open, though it was his forearms and wrists that took the brunt of the impact and he cursed as his cheek struck a rather jagged stone. He didn´t know why they´d never been smoothed over, surely the kingdom could afford it. If falling on his face wasn´t bad enough, a door off to his right squealed open just as he was picking himself up off the ground.

His hands and ankles were sticky with what had to be blood, and he could taste some as well, the iron burning his tounge. His face burned with shame and he focused his eyes on this stranger. He yelped and flinched when who ever it was grabbed him and tried to pull him up by his arms. Nobody likes being restrained outside of their bedroom, so a man who cannot see is in the right mind to lash out.

Dinadan swung at what he hoped was the face. The person caught his hand, and was able to hold him there. They had very big hands, so he was sure it was a man, and the fingers were rough, so probably another knight, at that.

¨Dinadan, calm down, it´s me. I heard you yell. What are you doing on this floor so late?¨ a smooth and deeper than the kind tone would suggest type of voice spoke. Dinadan listened to this person drone on at meetings at least once a week, he´d know it anywhere. Arthur.

¨I-I was trying to memorize the floors before I was appointed as a guard¨ he explained. Arthur seemed to have half a brain in his head, he could put the pieces together. 

¨Okay, odd, but understandable. You´re horribly beat up, what in the bloody hell did you trip over?¨ he demanded. Now knowing who it was, Dinadan let himself be helped up as painful as it was. ´don´t cry´ he warned himself as he blinked back tears.

¨One of the stones. They´re uneven and it´s quite dark in this hallway¨ he said, hoping not too many torches had been lit. He could feel the heat of one behind him. Dinadan had used the excuse of not being able to see far before and he was willing to use it again.

¨I´ll admit it is, the wind probably blew a few torches out, but the floor isn´t that bad. ´Din... hey, are you alright? Your eyes are a little unfocused.¨ Arthur asked. Dinadan forced his line of what would be sight to the ground.

¨I think I hit my head¨ he spoke and not all that jokingly, either. If Dinadan couldn´t muster up his usual humor, then something was wrong.

¨Your face is awfully scratched. I doubt you need stitches, though. Come on, I have a few things in my room. I can patch you up.¨ he said, taking Dinadan by the hand and leading him into a room that was much warmer than the hall. He found himself in a chair that was way to soft to belong to anyone but a king and the rushes felt new as well.

He hissed as one by one his cuts were cleaned and bandaged, though he was thankful there was no longer blood sticking to his hands and feet. Dinadan bit his lip. He hated this. He hated how he could make himself seem normal, force away all suspicion, and then screw it up by being such an idiot.

´Why wasn´t I born normal? What sin did my parents commit to have a kid like me? I´m useless like this, I don´t deserve to be a knight. Maybe if I couldn´t have been born normal, I should not have been born at all-´ The string of thoughts was interrupted by Arthur grabbing his head and pushing on the back of his head. Dinadan let out a distressed squak.

¨What are you doing?!¨ he sputtered at the invasion of hands in his hair. It took effort (Feeling around for a hairbrush for ten minutes) to look that good, even if it was the dead of night. 

¨Your eyes went completely unfocused again and your hands were shaking. I was making sure you didn´t actually bust our skull open.¨ he explained, evidently resistant to Dinadan´s attempts at batting his hands away, all respect out the window.

Oh, he was getting fired, he was sure of it.

¨I didn´t I´m fine. Might I depart now, my leige?¨ he asked, not realizing how disrespectful his tone sounded. Dinadan could joke and mock all day, but he never made fun of or insulted royals, other than King Mark of course.

¨Dinadan, I´ve said it before, and I´ll say it again, I´m fine with people calling me Arthur outside of meetings. And no, you´re acting strange...er than usual¨ he said. Dinadan swallowed thickly and hoped he could keep his voice steady. 

¨How many fingers am I holding up?¨ Arthur demanded. Dinadan could feel the hand close to his face, but that was where his knowing began and ended. 

¨Well, technically, all of them are¨, he said, though his joking demeanor couldn´t save him this time and he knew it. His eyes were stinging with tears, he could feel them behind his eyes. And then he was laughing. He hadn´t meant to, but he was finding it absolutely hilarious that he could still cry and feel his useless eyes even though it would make no difference if they were gouged out.

¨Dinadan, I´m being serious, follow my finger. Gods, you can get stubborn, but never like this.¨ Arthur spoke, clearly frustrated, as he reached up and held Dinadan´s chin so he couldn´t stare at the floor. He tried to follow what movement he could sense, but it obviously wasn´t working given Arthur´s dejected sighs. 

¨Just follow my finger, not where I´m pointing. It isn´t hard. You could be bleeding internally and I won´t have one of my knights dying of some silly accident¨, Arthur said, frustration boiling down to anger. Then something in Dinadan snapped.

¨Well it would help if I could see!¨ he yelled, those hot tears he´d been trying to hold back began to pour down his face and irritate the laceration on his cheek that had just stopped hurting. He pulled away from Arthur´s hands and prying, functioning eyes.

¨´Din, hey... It´s okay. What do you mean you can´t see?¨ he asked.

¨What the hell do you think it means? I. Can´t. See. Nothing at all. No one, nothing, not anyone or myself, not your hand, not this room, not a flight of stairs or the stirrups on my horse´s saddle. No color, no light, no darkness, though I assume what this empty void infront of my eyes all the time is. Are you thick skulled enough not to understand what it means when someone tells you they can´t see. You buffoon, I´m-¨ he choked on the word.

¨You´re blind?¨ Arthur asked, shocked. Dinadan sobbed and forced a nod.


	2. Into the light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, I could spell this time.

"How come you never said anything- Do you realize how easily you could have gotten hurt or worse!" Arthur exclaimed. Dinadan flinched from the sound, as it was his hearing that usually compensated for his lack of sight.

"I was scared, besides, what ruler wants a blind knight. I'm nothing but a cripple. Look, since you're capable of that, I have my ways around this. My mother gave me the ability to memorize maps by walking around with no shoes on, and the ability to smell intentions so I know who to swing my sword at", he spoke stiff and quickly, so very unlike himself, to get the point across and move on. He tried not to bring up the ties his parents had to magic often, even though they were six feet under.

"Gods, and here I was thinking you needed the most work out of the round table. The others could learn a lot from you", he said. Dinadan was so shocked he almost began crying again. He'd expected Arthur to yell and threaten him, even throw him out then and there. This couldn't possibly be real.

"So you can't see anything at all?" he asked. The tone in Arthur's voice was much lighter, but the sympathy did not escape him. 

"No, at least not in the way you think. I see through touch and sound. If voices sound louder despite nobody yelling, I know I'm in a room with a high ceiling, and I know I'm shorter than a lot of other knights, but taller than you. I also know a room is empty when there's an echo. It's not that hard." he spoke. His defenses were up and wouldn't be coming down anytime soon.

"Do you know what you look like?" Arthur asked, now more curious than anything else, so Dinadan decided it would be alright. He was sure he wasn't getting fired and if he was, he could just become the court jester, he certainly had the qualifications.

"Vaguely. I have long hair, soft skin, no facial hair. Small ears, long legs, my ribs are probably visible, but I know what other people look like too. Lancelot has the shape of a lady, Gawain is even shorter than me, and you have really rough hands." he explained. It was like some otherworldly force was drawing the words out. Dinadan had kept silent about his blindness so long that the good bad and in between were spilling from his lips like a flood.

"But if you want the cold hard truth, I don't think I _want_ to see like everyone else. I have gifts that would be bloody useless if I could see. Besides, so many bad things go on in the world that I don't care if you call me selfish for saying I'd prefer if I didn't have to see all that. I always hear people saying how run down this kingdom is, yet I find it beautiful and I don't want that image ruined, so keep your bloody sympathy, Arthur", Dinadan continued to ramble.

Arthur's hand gripped his wrist and tugged his arm. Dinadan had been led around enough as a child that he knew it meant he was to follow.

"Wait, where are we going?" he asked. Just because he couldn't smell any danger didn't mean it wasn't there in another form. He knew that too well. The mistake had been made plenty of times in the past, and each time, Dinadan had come to regret it more.

"I want you to see something, and I promise, you'll be able to see it just as well as me", Arthur said, and Dinadan followed him, sensing no danger or deceit. For a brief second, Arthur's speech had become slurred as though he was drunk, but so briefly Dinadan couldn't be sure.

He jumped when he met the cool night air, knowing he was outside because of the strong wind. The bench he found himself seated on was made of well crafted stone, much better than in the hall, and colder than the surrounding air. He could feel and hear Arthur seated next to him. The bench was very low to the ground, enough that they were more sprawling over the stones than actually sitting.

"Have you ever wondered what the colors look like?" he asked, and Dinadan allowed himself a mischeveous chuckle.

"Well of course. Who doesn't? There Thomas, and Steve and John... No I've heard them since I was a child. Red, blue, purple, white, blah, blah, blah. I did always wonder what they looked like, though. I've wondered if you can feel them, since they are powerful enough to dye everything. Are there really multiple shades of the same one like Palomedes told me?" he asked.

It seemed so unbelieveable and Palomedes had messed with him before. Dinadan knew he would never truly know but he could wonder. He never got tired of wondering. He couldn't when he had nothing to do but look at nothingness most days and nothingness could get very boring. Arthur was silent for a few moments before he finally talked.

"Yes, some so dark they appear black and others so light they look like a white slate. Now what would you like to know?" Arthur asked, his voice slurring, causing him to sound intoxicated again before he righted his speech. Dinadan didn't have to think about his answer too long.

"What does armor look like? I know it's smooth and reflective, but what does it _really_ look like.?" he asked. It always felt heavy before he actually put it on, which had somehow led to him believing it to be dark and reflecting the colors of death, whatever they may have been. Like blood.

Arthur took his hand and placed it on the bench they were sitting on, directing Dinadan into moving his hand to and fro. It felt grainy and rough, but there were a couple smooth spots that felt almost like armor. Like a well used and tested breastplate. 

"Armor is actually made out of steel, but you've probably heard us call it silver more often than not. Silver is a shade of grey." he said, and he heard Arthur tap the stones to indicate. Armor was grey. Grey was the color of protectors and lost innocence.

"What about black?" he asked.

"Here, run your hand over my boot", Arthur said, guiding his hand to the leather. It felt old and worn, like a well loved shirt and he could feel flecks of dirt in the creases. Black. The color of old and worn things too precious to let go of and long quests that not everyone returned from. 

"Can you tell me what I actually look like?"he asked. Looking back, it was almost funny, how he'd never really been curious about his appearance, but it made sense. Why would he _need_ to worry? However, now that Dinadan was thinking about it, the curiosity was driving him mad.

"Well your shirts are always brown or grey. The one you have on right now is brown, like dirt, but you know that, you never wear shoes."Arthur said. Dinadan knew the shoe thing frustrated him. He didn't need to guide Dinadan's hand, he was already running his fingers over the slightly scratchy material.

"It keeps me from tripping and that's how the worms talk to me", he said, half joking. The fear from earlier was almost gone.

"And for some reason, you always wear black trousers. I've never seen you wear a different color", Arthur went on. Dinadan nodded. He already knew what black was.

"Your hair is... It's kind of blonde, which is just a type of yellow, but it's orange in the candle light", Arthur explained. Dinadan knew yellow, rough as tree bark and fraying at the seams like a man who saw too much too young. He only knew because he'd asked Palomedes after a young girl gave him the uncomfortable woolen blanket as thanks for saving her after a quest.

Arthur moved away and Dinadan heard him pull a plaint out of the ground. He could smell that it was a flower and soon what had to have been one of the petals was pressed into the palm of his hand. One side was smooth, almost like velvet, while the other was brittle like the fur of an animal that had been dead a few days.

"This is actually orange, but it's close to your hair color", Arthur informed. Dinadan ran his fingers over the petal. Orange was the color of lives ended too early and running through the forest as sunlight streamed through the tree canopies. And his hair evidently. He set the petal down.

"Are my eyes normal?" Dinadan asked. He had always wondered, as he was very good at that, if his eyes looked like those of everyone else. He never really cared about the color, but Arthur had him invested.

"I'm not sure what you mean. They are a normal color, here", Arthur said, taking his hand again and having him touch the dewy grass. He gripped the blades and uprooted them, feeling the resistance and a small bug leap away.

"Your eyes are very light green, like the grass out here, but they do not look normal" Arthur explained as Dinadan replanted the blades. His eyes were green and green was the color of overly joyful songs, lost childhoods and friends who laughed too loud.

"Most people have two circles that make up their eyes. Yours are shaped right, but most people have a black dot called a pupil and then the colored part around it. You don't have the black dot, which makes sense if you are totally blind. You have the grassy green color. The center of your eyes are an even lighter green, almost yellow. I always figured you were elven or fae so I never said anything" he explained. Dinadan nodded along.

"I tend to be rather independant, but there are things I still need help with" he admitted. He could sense that Arthur was nodding.

"I can try to be your eyes if you can try to be my ears", he said. Dinadan froze and exclaimed in shock. There was no way...

"I'm deaf, Dinadan. That's why I'm sitting so close. I don't want to waste energy trying to read your lips in the dark. I'm close enough to hear you, it's just very muffled. It's why I talk strange sometimes and why I never discriminated my knights. The only reason I acknowledge that something's wrong with me is because I used to be able to hear perfectly fine before I fell off my horse when I was ten." he rambled while Dinadan blinked in utter disbelief.

"Does this have to do with the fact that behind closed doors you call us your strays?" he asked. Things were starting to make a little sense.

"Yes. This is about trying to bridge a few societal gaps. You must never let them know I told you, but most of the knights here were already 'ruined' by society's standards before they even came to Camelot. Lancelot used to be mute, Galehaut was born a woman, Gawain only has one arm, Mordred randomly passes out from time to time and Kay stutters", Arthur rambled on. 

Dinadan felt like he was intruding on the lives of his friends and for all he knew, Arthur was messing with him, but his intentions were still clean. The only two he knew to be the truth was Gawain having lost an arm because he was there when it happened, and Kay stuttering because he could hear it.

"Now I realize I don't actually know what it is, but I feel like I just stepped out of the darkness and into the light." he said. Arthur threw an arm around his shoulders and they both burst out in laughter. 

**Author's Note:**

> We´ll act like this made sense


End file.
